Parents are encouraged to name children's feelings to de-escalate meltdowns, experts say

Psychologists advise parents to acknowledge their child’s feelings with calm communication, promoting better emotional control during tantrums instead of issuing threats or sharp commands.

Parents faced with a child’s meltdown are often tempted to reach for the fastest possible fix. But psychologists say sharp orders and threats usually make the situation worse. A calmer, more effective response is to help the child feel understood before trying to solve the problem.

According to Parade, psychologist Amy Kincaid Todd says children in the middle of a strong emotional surge are rarely able to think clearly or control their impulses. A preschooler may shout and collapse to the floor, a nine-year-old may call it “the worst day ever”, and a teenager may slam a door or shut down completely. In that moment, Todd says, long explanations and lectures are unlikely to work.

Instead, she recommends naming the feeling first. A phrase such as “I can see you are upset” can show a child that the emotion has been noticed without approving the behaviour. Todd says parents do not have to agree with a child to acknowledge what they are feeling. Once the emotion has been recognised, a parent can still hold the boundary and explain that the answer remains no.

The article also points to an approach sometimes described as “name it to tame it”, meaning that putting feelings into words can help children regulate them more effectively. Todd says that research links emotional labelling with better control, although naming the feeling alone will not end a tantrum. With older children and teenagers, she suggests a more curious tone: “I know this is frustrating” or “It sounds like you felt embarrassed?” That gives them room to explain what is happening before a parent asks what they want to do next.

Todd also urges parents to manage their own tone. If a child is shouting and the adult responds with more volume and speed, the tension rises further. She says parents do not need to be perfectly calm; they simply need to be calmer than the child. Speaking more quietly, more slowly and with fewer words can signal that strong feelings can be handled without losing control.