As children enter their pre-teen years, parents face new challenges in managing secrecy and independence. Parenting specialists emphasise the importance of open communication, clear boundaries, and understanding normal adolescent development to foster trust and resilience.
A mother is wrestling with how firmly to react to her 12-year-old son’s secret rule-breaking at home, from sneaking snacks after being told no to using his phone during homework time. The boy is apparently well behaved elsewhere, doing well at school, seeing friends and keeping up with hobbies, but he seems to push boundaries most with his mother. Parenting experts say that tension is common as children move into the pre-teen years and begin testing how much independence they can claim.
Abdellah Mehraz, a pedagogue and director of Trias Pedagogica, said the behaviour should not be blown out of proportion. In his view, the aim is less about demanding obedience and more about helping the child understand why the rules exist. He advises parents to agree on the most important household boundaries first, then explain them clearly together, including why they matter for health, homework and family life. He also recommends setting out a specific consequence in advance and applying it calmly, rather than repeatedly threatening punishment.
Catrin Finkenauer, professor of youth studies at Utrecht University, says secretive behaviour can be part of normal development. For younger children, secrecy may be about possession or discovery; for early adolescents, it often marks a growing need for privacy and self-definition. She argues that a child who does something behind a parent’s back is not necessarily rejecting the relationship, but practising autonomy. From that perspective, a measured response works better than a hard line, because severe punishment may teach a child only to hide things more effectively.
Both experts stress that parents should still address the behaviour directly. That can mean calmly saying what was seen, stating why it is a problem and making clear that trust matters. The goal, they say, is to keep communication open while maintaining limits that are firm, fair and easy for a child to understand.
Disclaimer: This content is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical judgment, advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
