Parents face emotional hurdles as teens 'soil the nest' before leaving for college

Psychologists describe a phase known as ‘soiling the nest’, where teenagers create friction at home before independence , a behaviour rooted in normal development and often misinterpreted as rejection, with parents urged to recognise its protective roots and manage anticipatory anxiety.

Two and a half weeks after taking her daughter to college, clinical psychologist Dr. Sheryl Ziegler says the hardest part was not the packing or the goodbye itself, but the brittle mood that surfaced in the final hours at home. On the morning of the move, she said the argument over breakfast and the emotional fallout that followed felt strangely familiar to many parents: a child can become sharp, distant or difficult just as a major transition draws near.

That pattern has a name. As WRAL has reported, psychologists sometimes call it “soiling the nest” – a phase in which teenagers create friction at home as they prepare to separate from their families. Regine Galanti, a clinical psychologist quoted by the station, said the behaviour is not a personal attack but part of normal adolescent development, helping young people claim independence and ease the shift towards adulthood. The same idea appears in other parenting and mental health discussions of the term, which describe it as a way for teens to test distance before they leave.

Ziegler argues that the same instinct can look very different at 14 and at 18. In early adolescence, the pushback may show up as argument or attitude; by the time college is approaching, it can feel more final, as if the teenager is rehearsing separation. For parents, the challenge is to recognise that the behaviour is often protective rather than rejecting. Families with neurodivergent children, she suggests, may even have some preparation for this stage, because they are often already used to adapting to a child’s different emotional rhythms and needs.

She also uses the phrase “future tripping” to describe the parental habit of mentally running ahead to every possible loss, regret or problem. That idea overlaps with what mental health writers call anticipatory anxiety, a form of excessive worry about events that have not yet happened. Medical News Today and Healthline both note that this kind of anxiety can become disruptive when it starts to crowd out daily life. Ziegler’s message is simpler: notice when the mind is leaving the present, then decide whether a social post, a school-drop-off conversation or a parenting spiral is worth following. Sometimes, she says, the healthiest move is to step back and stay with what is actually happening now.