Dr Laura Markham reveals the power of emotional regulation for parents and children

Dr Laura Markham advocates for parents to manage their own strong feelings effectively, modelling calm and honest responses to help children navigate their emotions and foster healthier behaviours.

Parents are often told to stay calm, but Dr Laura Markham argues that the real challenge is not having strong feelings at all. The question, she says, is what adults do with them. In her guidance on managing intense emotions, Markham says anger, hurt and fear are normal human reactions; the danger comes when those feelings turn into shouting, blaming or other impulsive behaviour that makes a tense situation worse.

Her advice begins with a simple but difficult rule: allow emotions, but do not act on them while overwhelmed. That means accepting a child’s jealousy, frustration or sadness without confusing those feelings with permission to misbehave. Markham also urges parents to separate identity from emotion, remembering that a moment of anger is not the same as being an angry person, and that emotions usually shift rather than last forever.

The article also stresses that children’s outbursts are not automatically personal. A child who lashes out is often struggling with fear, disappointment or other vulnerable feelings beneath the anger. Markham says adults do the same thing when they feel hurt or unsafe: they may react defensively instead of noticing the softer emotion underneath. She advises parents to pause, breathe and avoid making major decisions in the heat of the moment, because conclusions drawn under stress are often misleading.

According to Markham, this approach is as much about modelling as it is about self-control. When parents respond to strong feelings with calm limits and emotional honesty, children learn that emotions are manageable rather than dangerous. The long-term aim is not to suppress feelings, but to use them as signals, restore a sense of safety and then solve problems once everyone is calmer.