Authentic parenting over control could improve safety for children with PDA

Kristy Forbes advocates for genuine, humanised approaches to parenting children with Pathological Demand Avoidance, emphasising authenticity, humility, and emotional regulation to foster safety and trust.

For parents raising children with Pathological Demand Avoidance, the instinct to look composed can be counterproductive. In a reflective essay, Kristy Forbes argues that children who are highly sensitive to control and pressure often do not find reassurance in a polished front; they respond instead to authenticity, uncertainty and calm honesty. That idea aligns with specialist explanations of PDA, which describe it as a neurodevelopmental profile within the autism spectrum in which ordinary demands can feel threatening and trigger a nervous system response rather than simple defiance. Forbes’s central point is that a parent’s visible humanity can do more to create safety than performance ever will.

She describes one of the most useful things she ever said to her children: that she was “officially stumped” and did not know how to handle a situation. For Forbes, admitting uncertainty removed the pretence that parents are expected to have every answer. It also shifted the dynamic from command and control to shared problem-solving, which she says helped her children feel less pressured to pretend they were reassured when they were not. Guidance from advocacy groups and PDA-focused parenting resources makes a similar case, noting that genuine autonomy, low-demand approaches and careful attention to a child’s threat response are often more effective than rewards, compliance or force.

Forbes also argues that children learn what is allowed by watching how adults behave under stress. She says phrases such as “I need a minute” or “I am frustrated” can give children permission to name their own feelings, mistakes and frustrations. That mirrors advice from PDA specialists who stress that a parent’s own nervous system has a direct effect on a child’s capacity to regulate, and that co-regulation begins with the adult slowing down first. Forbes says humour can help as well, not as distraction but as a reminder that the relationship is still intact even when the moment feels heavy.

Her wider criticism is directed at parenting culture that prizes control, especially when it is delivered with judgement towards families whose children do not fit neat expectations. She rejects the idea that strength means never wavering, arguing instead that safety comes from adults who can apologise, reset and model humility. As she sees it, children with PDA are not looking for perfect authority figures. They are looking for people who are real, responsive and willing to learn alongside them.