Experts say children need their difficult emotions acknowledged before parents try to offer reassurance or find a silver lining.
Parents often try to soothe a child’s hurt with reassurance, but child development experts say that reflex can sometimes do more harm than good. A child who comes home upset after losing a treasured item or being left out at school does not always need a quick silver lining. What they often need first is for someone to notice the pain, sit with it and treat it as real.
Psychologists describe this habit as “brightsiding”: the urge to meet sadness, anger or disappointment with an immediate upbeat message. Parade, drawing on interviews with clinicians, reported that the behaviour is usually not meant to dismiss a child. Instead, it often comes from an adult’s own discomfort with distress and a wish to restore calm as quickly as possible. But that instinct can send a damaging message: difficult emotions are inconvenient, and they should be brushed aside rather than expressed.
Mental health writers have increasingly linked that response to the broader idea of toxic positivity, which Simply Psychology, Medical News Today and Psychology Today all describe as the pressure to stay upbeat even when life is painful. In children, that pressure can interfere with emotional development. If a parent repeatedly replies with phrases such as “it’s not a big deal”, “you’re fine” or “look on the bright side”, the child may learn that sadness and frustration are unwelcome. Over time, that can encourage them to hide their feelings instead of sharing them.
Parade quoted psychologist Lienna Wilson as saying that this kind of response can function as invalidation dressed up as support. The article also cited psychologist Robyn Koslowitz, who argued that making happiness the main goal of parenting sets an unrealistic standard. She warned that children can begin to treat normal disappointment as failure, rather than as part of everyday life. That view is echoed by recent coverage in the Los Angeles Times, which noted that brightsiding can be especially unhelpful during moments of crisis, when empathy matters more than optimism.
Experts say the better response is not to fix the feeling, but to name it and stay present. Instead of redirecting a child away from distress, a parent can say, “I know this feels really hard right now, and I am right here with you.” That kind of reply teaches a child that painful emotions are tolerable, temporary and safe to share. Far from encouraging misery, it can build stronger resilience by showing children that they do not need to pretend they are fine in order to be loved.
Disclaimer: This content is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical judgment, advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
